Why I'm Single (Installment 1)

This is a different type of post for me. But since there have been only two previous posts and this blog’s readership could fit into the trunk of a Smart Car, I doubt that my foray into comedic posts will cause any shock waves or life changes. However, hopefully, the new post will prevent my mama from buying me more self help books from Costco. Um, the clearance sticker is there for a reason. See, Cathryn Michon’s, The Grrl Genius Guide to Life: A Twelve-Step Program on How to Become a Grrl Genius, According to Me! (Now, I’m a girl who is known to miss a mean typo in an important professional email every now and then (such a shame when opposing counsel finds out that you still struggle with “hear” vs. “here”), but I’d like to think that even I would spell “girl” right when titling a book proclaiming to show the fairer sex how to realize their inner genius. Also, instead of simply referencing “me,” I’d cite to some sort of study, Harvard in general, or at least the lady in Parade magazine that always knows whether Jimmy or Harry will get to the train station first when one leaves an hour earlier driving a scooter and coming from a distance 30 meters away and the other is driving a Porsche and stuck in Atlanta-like traffic.) Note, mama, please feel free to buy me all the Costco wine, cheese, and mini egg rolls you can fit into your Texas-sized cart.

Ok, for those of you still reading (all of you now likely fit into one of Bijou’s sweaters), having completed the above disclaimer, I’ll get on with the post. I stumbled upon an online article the other day. I wish I could say that it was a link from a cnn.com article or posted on the NY Times website, leading to the conclusion that I was catching up on meaningful current events, but that would be false. I found the article on someone’s facebook page.

Yes, I will admit it, I am a facebook stalker. Even if I haven’t talked to or seen you in years, I will always know your dating status, of what or whom you are momentarily a fan, and that your favorite book is Horton Hears a Who even though you are a graduate from a top ten law school. And yes, I will judge you based upon the photos you post. Knowing that you and your buddies got drunk one night and Hayward Preston Johnson IV got his foot lodged in a toilet makes me feel better about my own drunken antics, but I doubt your boss feels the same. And I certainly don’t want to see baby Madison’s first ultrasound. Unless most of your facebook friends also happen to be OBGYN’s, no one knows what the hell is going on in that picture. For all we know, it is a satellite photo from the Sputnik program documenting UFO’s in the 1960’s; best to wait till lil’ Maddy is out of the uterus with her eyes open (and not spitting up or hanging from your teat). Oh and also, I seriously doubt that major modeling agencies are scouring facebook to discover the next Kate Moss; so, no need to post professional head shots of yourself with your lips pursed together. Then again, these helpful suggestions are coming from a girl who created an entire page for her dog and gave said dog a political affiliation. (PS, Bijou is barking for Obama and totally respects his appearance on Letterman even if he doesn’t have a family member she can befriend on dogbook.) (PPS, Bijou’s friend requests to all 24 of McCain’s pets remain unanswered.)

Anyway, the article is entitled “Why You’re Single” and, although a shameless marketing attempt to encourage single trolls in NYC to go random places, is very humorous in its own right. See, http://www.timeout.com/newyork/articles/features/2552/why-youre-single. While reading the article I contemplated my own single status (for the thousandth time that day) and the reasons behind it (other than the fact that I make up games requiring the ability to name foods that can be dipped in more than one of the following: ketchup, ranch, chocolate and/or butter). I ultimately decided to compare my own behaviors with those cited in the article. Here's the comparison:

Article Reason #1) Because You’re Desperate:

Clearly the authors of this article did not grow up in the South and do not know how to gingerly discuss a subject without making someone want to crawl under a blanket and cry. I mean I know a Southern woman that can convince a man he needs a penis enlargement without bruising his ego, and these jokers can’t come up with a better #1 reason than this?

I immediately discredit this reason for its circuitous logic. Is one single because she is desperate, or desperate because she is single? This is kind of like putting the Budweiser mug before the Clydesdale, isn’t it? This type of thinking makes my brow furrow and my eyes squint which leads to forehead crevices and crow’s feet. It also makes me want a Bud Light, so let’s move on.

But for the record, I honestly can say I am not desperate. If I were desperate, I’d still be dating that eharmony weirdo whose big life goal was to invent a massaging shower head. I’d appreciate a massaging shower head as much as the next girl, but I don’t plan on supporting a man while he tries to build one in my guest parking spot.

Article Reason #2) Because You’re Afraid of Commitment:

Now this is a much more palatable reason and one that I am known to invoke even though I know it isn’t true. I tend to get bored and restless fairly easily, but I have no problem committing. After all, I have watched all six seasons of Sex and the City in their entirety, and I didn’t leave the house for 3 days once I realized I could download episodes of Lost from itunes. And come on, I commit to a $79 room at the Holiday Inn for UNC Homecoming every year, months before football season even starts. So maybe I had to eat the cost of two tickets to the game last year, but seriously, NO ONE saw that break up coming.

Article Reason #3) Because You Love the Sound of Your Voice:

This one is clearly non applicable to me. I need 30 takes and 2 hours to record an out of office voicemail message and I cringe every time I have to listen to the playback. I would use robotic bitch voice 2000 if I didn’t get a chuckle out of the idea that people will start talking to me before they realize that it is a voice recording.

Whether or not I love the sound of my voice in a figurative sense may be a trickier determination. Then again, I only tell stories that other people will find entertaining and endearing. And I only loudly state my opinions when they are clearly more correct and enlightening.

Sianora reason #3.

Article Reason #4) Because You’re too Shy:

Um, no. I can talk to just about anyone, anywhere. In fact I think the lady that runs the deli in my building may be close to suggesting that we play the who-can-go-the-longest-without-talking-game next time I bebop in for my vanilla latte. My friendliness and outgoing nature are such polar opposites to shyness that shy people should hide in my purse, side-car style just to come along for the ride.

Of course this end of the spectrum is no picnic. I have personal knowledge that equity partners do not like to be hugged at new associate orientation dinners. I also know for a fact that you should always ask for your best friend’s permission before you talk about her sex life in front of her uncle.

Article Reason #5) Because You’re Too Controlling:

I don’t like to be called “controlling.” I prefer “cruise director.” And in all fairness, there are totally justifiable reasons behind my somewhat controlling behaviors. For example, I like to drive because I get motion sickness when I don’t. Plus, I tend to know the quickest routes and do not subscribe to the theory that half the fun is the journey. No, the fun is wherever we are tying to go which is why we are in a hurry to get there. Fun is not stuck behind the stinky MARTA bus, grandpa’s Buick that is taking up 2 lanes, or that work truck in the left lane going 45mph and about to lose a ladder and an orange igloo water cooler to the jaws of I-85. The journey is what we have to live through to get to the fun because no one has invented a real life Jetsons’ car. (If eharm dude had been on a quest to invent that, then there may have been a 2nd date.)

Further, my running fashion advice to those I love (i.e. my mama, my baba, my boyfriends, the concierge in my building, my BMW service advisor…) is only meant to help them present better versions of themselves to the world; it is really more charitable than controlling.

Oh and I only like to make the plans and set the agenda because I am so good at making plans and setting agendas and most people really suck at making plans and setting agendas. I bet people really appreciate my ability to make a reservation to the perfect sushi restaurant (even when they don’t eat seafood), plan a weekend trip to the beach (even though they already booked a B&B in the mountains), and generally tell them what to do with their lives (unsolicited advice sold here). Everyone needs a cruise director, except for maybe Nazis, people with OCD, and, well, cruise directors.

Reason #5? Definitely not it.

To be continued...