Bootcamp and Bibles and Bangs! Oh my!

I am now the proud owner of 5 Barry’s Bootcamp Hollywood Fat Blaster DVD’s©, 1 Code Red Emergency Fat Blasting DVD, an inflatable fat blasting weight bench/exercise ball, 2 fat blasting resistance bands, 1 fat blaster work out calendar, a fat blaster tape measure, a nifty fat blaster spiral progress journal, and a (crappy) fat blaster plastic foot pump that inflates said weight bench/exercise ball in the same amount of time that it would take me to blow up a Macy’s Day Parade float with nothing but my lungs and a straw. (Never mind that the inflatable weight bench/exercise ball is no longer inflatable because Bijou attacked it like it was the dog next door wrapped in bacon. I’ll bet the farm that Barry will send me another if I order the butt blaster DVD.)

I wish I could say that I was the owner of Barry’s Fat Blaster kit because my mama bought it for me at Costco and mailed it to me without my permission. Unfortunately, however, I am privy to this little “secret of the stars,” because I forgot the first step of Shopaholics Anonymous – “Admitting I am powerless over Infomercials (and QVC) (and HSN).” Normally, I do not even let the TV pause on said channels but on one particularly horrendous Saturday, I was too lazy (i.e. hungover) to dig the remote out of the couch so I could change the channel. Instead, I became hypnotized by Barry and his army of Barbie soldiers wearing skimpy spandex outfits on national TV without shame or embarrassment. An hour and a half and a box of cheez-it’s later, I was drafted up to Barry’s battalion. I refused to even entertain the possibility that after 30 days of Barry’s intense bootcamp sessions and his easy diet tips (and 3 easy payments of $14.95) that I wouldn’t have the body of Jessica Alba. There was no turning back. I hopped online and ordered that kit like it was on the menu at Sonic.

Now that the Fat Blasting kit actually is in my possession, I’m slowly coming out of my infomercial euphoria. I’m wondering how 6 DVD’s still wrapped in cellophane and a giant pile of deflated rubber wet with dog slobber are going to do anymore for me than my $60 a month gym membership and Publix frequent shopper card can do. However, it has not ended up in the closet with the chocolate fountain, Gazelle, and aero garden so I guess we can say the jury is still out. I’ll be sure to let you know when there is an actual verdict. For now, I’m dvr-ing everything from CSI Las Vegas to The Wonder Years and making sure to always return the remote to its proper place on the coffee table.

But hold the phone, Barry’s fat blasting arsenal is not the only new item in my life. My library now contains the Holy Bible! Now, to prevent this post from sounding like a bad tent revival testimonial, I’ll briefly state that while I’m not new to the whole Christianity thing, the path of my 20’s has not been illuminated with a Jesus lamp, or even a Jesus night light. However, I recently decided that although I adamantly take issue with many of the beliefs allegedly incorporated into Christianity (i.e. women have no right to say what happens inside their own bodies, gays are an abomination, and to hell with anyone that doesn’t believe in Jesus), I maintain an inexplicable and unshakable belief in God (even during 2005 when I claimed to be an agnostic) (I think mostly I said that because the word itself sounds hip and intellectual and like it should be on the SAT). In other words, there is no reason to throw the baby out with the bath water – I can believe in God while I figure the rest of it out. I realize that this may not sit well with some of you, and well, I guess you can shove off. Start your own blog and then you can write all about your views on religion.

Anyway, having made this new resolution about 9 months ago, I decided I was ready to start exploring the great religious abyss and agreed to join a Bible study with my friend (whom we shall call “Guru” until I obtain permission to use her real name). I believe that Guru felt that the Bible study would be particularly attractive to me because it is about a book in the Old Testament – the early part of the Bible that I find historically fascinating. Maybe I was in a joining mood and still on my infomercial high, or maybe as my new co-counsel friend would say, it was providential. Whatever the case, I told Guru I was in.

Of course then I immediately freaked out. Not only had I not placed a pinky toe inside a Bible study since 10th grade, but I didn’t even own a Bible. I was in panic – and not just a regular “oh man I put away the ice cream in the refrigerator instead of the freezer again” kind of panic, but a “hurricane is a’comin’ - time to go buy milk and bread” type of panic. Buying the Bible was not so much the problem as was figuring out how to make a brand spankin’ new Bible look old, worn, poured over, and studied in a matter of days. I immediately wondered if it was sacrilegious to run a Bible over with a car. Or perhaps I could wrap the Bible in a rubber band and oil it down like I once did with a softball glove (yeah, I’m not quite sure why I was in a softball league either). Regardless, there was NO WAY I was showing up at that Bible study with a Bible still smelling of cellophane and looking like it had been read as much as a Bible that sits in the nightstand of a hotel that rents by the hour. I mean that’s like showing up at the gym wearing bright white sneakers.

The stress of the situation immobilized me until the Sunday morning before the Bible study when I awoke in such frenzy that I accidentally flung Bijou off the bed and then realized that Bible stores probably aren’t open on Sundays. Dang. Oh but lo and behold, after a quick google, I discovered that Barnes & Nobles definitely carries the number one selling book in the world and it is definitely open on Sundays. 2 hours later I sat Indian style (which I can do authentically because I am 1/16 Cherokee) in the “Religion & Spiritual” section of B&N amidst a sea of Bibles humming “the B-I-B-L-E, yes that’s the book for me.” Who knew that there were some many Bible varietals? I mean there were women’s Bibles, men Bibles, study Bibles, pet owner’s Bibles (yes I was tempted), large print Bibles, pocket Bibles, Catholic Bibles, new believers Bibles, and one Bible even came with wall posters and stickers (I had to put it back twice). At first I contemplated a serious looking King James Bible but then decided at this stage of the game, I’d better let someone else interpret for me. Then I turned to a cotton candy pink Bible, but rationalized that since I wasn’t a 13 year old girl with a perm and an airbrushed license plate that said “Misty,” that I’d better leave it on the shelf. I ultimately decided on a New International Version study Bible with a British tan and caramel (faux) crocodile cover and pages with gold leaf edges. (I’ll get my name engraved later). I also picked up some Bible highlighters, Old and New Testament index tabs, and an all-purpose book mark/magnifier. (Like a boy scout, I’m always prepared.) And as my mama informed me, my $80 Bible is so pretty that fellow Bible studiers will think I cherish it and wrap it in parchment paper every night to maintain its pristine and reverent condition. (I’m going to highlight some random passages for good measure).

*Note – I also now sport some serious bangs but they don’t really warrant the emphasis of a full mention in the post. I really just needed a third thing to round out the title.