Old Soul Song

I’m sitting in my condo on a rainy Saturday in Atlanta. Plans of running errands, filing papers and doing laundry forgotten like the quote I heard the other day and really tried to remember. I love that it’s raining. I let the downpour bring a wave of relief now that I have an excuse other than laziness.

Because it goes with my gloomy mood, I turn on depressing music. The acoustic guitar slides down my ears like a shot of whisky – burning at first then numbing. I sit all the way through the song that Chris used to love and said reminded him of me. I imagine it still does. Good songs are unforgiving like that. I don’t cry this time.

I feel the overwhelming need to write. Realizing that I will never write a soul-wrenching piece like my friend Melissa whose words make a friend she hasn’t spoken to in years feel as though only a bottle of wine and small bistro table sit between them. Realizing that my writing will never be as humor-filled as Kassia’s whose astute observations coupled with her keen wit make her words linger in your mind for years after you’ve had the privilege of encountering them.

I write because the sadness has filled every nook and cranny of my soul and has nowhere else to go. It pours onto the page – spilt Merlot on white carpet. I write because the loneliness, so physically painful, makes saliva fill my throat. The words stare back – the non-judgmental expression of a friend that has heard it all before and knows that it is best to sit and listen.

I stare at the clock half relieved, half annoyed that I only have 13 minutes to wallow in the melancholy – the promise of more alcohol and superficial social interaction energizing but defeating. I know that the crisp mandarin vodka is the perfect partner for strange humid breath on my neck and cheek. I can already feel his heavy hand on the small of my back making me realize that my dress is damp. The hope that my smiles and laughter will be genuine is enough to get me into the shower. The knowledge that it will be temporary tells me to drink it all in because I'll want it tomorrow.